Geochilmaru is an interesting film because it allegedly uses real martial artists rather than actors. There’s the claim of no wires, no CGi and all out honest martial arts. We get to see several styles of world martial arts pitted against each other in a versus style combat film.
The story itself revolves around a mysterious individual known only as Geochilmaru. On a message board on the Internet, many wish to fight this legendary mystery as it is assumed he is a master of many martial arts. So, after much demand Geochilmaru finally succumbs to offering a contest where they would be able to fight him one on one.
Eight individuals get together and are selected by Geochilmaru due to their skills and experience to fight for the chance to take him on. The individuals huddle together like sardines in a can by travelling on a long journey in the mountains of Korea. Away from the hustle and bustle of city life, the individuals are told they must fight each other and from that will arise a single winner who will be given the chance to take on Geochilmaru.
The group is a rag tag selection of individuals, filling in the box marked “stereotypes”. Each is introduced to the sound of a typewriter, offering their actual occupation and name, to the key mastery of the selected martial art. The skills range from Kung Fu to Kick Boxing to Judo.
What is slightly odd is the inclusion of boxing. Now the last time I checked, boxing itself isn’t a martial art, but I could be wrong. Still, tensions start to rise during their long, boring journey and a couple of pranks are played upon one individual.
Geochilmaru’s concept is a sound one, but sadly it’s one that is poorly executed. I could have forgiven the weak, throwaway school boy comic story, but what I can’t forgive is fighting that looks like a school yard bust up. I have seen American films and their versions of martial arts films, I’ve seen martial arts films from various countries, documentries and so on.
It’s shocking how bad these real martial artists are at their art. I have every respect for them, though only in the sense they are more skilled than me. But to call them “masters” of their art is a flipping insult and blatant lie. These people would be better taking a job at McDonalds and selling Hamburger’s en masse.
When I say the fighting is poor, I mean it with vengeance. I sat through a thumping techno soundtrack to fight scenes which looked as though they choreographed by a lmbless blind leper using his tongue for fight co-ordination. It’s diabolical. We’re expecting and waiting to see several arts played off against each other, in a masterful and eloquent way. It really falls to nothing short of scrappy street fighting, and moves for show. None of it looks or feels real. Remember these guys are not actors, and on the face of it, I don’t even think they’re really martial artists.
There are moments of humour, but the lack of acting ability is demonstrated so clearly that at times it is a cringe worthy display of pity for the on screen losers as they roll on the ground, or slap each other silly. The ultimatums and gay looks they offer each other is nothing short of embarassing, and deserves a kick in the teeth.
Geochilmaru feels like it’s a film that should have been released in the 1960s, as it has little regard to build upon the existing foundations of martial arts films. They seem to have taken the worst bits from a Shaw Brothers film, fight direction from American martial arts films, and camera work from The Blair Witch Project, and mixed it with a budget that wouldn’t even buy you a portion and fish and ships at your local chippy. Right from the first fight, I was given the inspiration to do my own martial arts film. I mean if they can release a film with fighting this bad, then there’s every chance I can do it worse and be even more successful.
Ultimately Geochilmaru has more bark than bite, and has certainly chewed off more than it can handle, choking helplessly for breath as the airway becomes blocked. It’s stretching out its hand for help, rasping the words “help me” from a ditch it can’t get out of, from swallowing more than it should have. Why pretend to offer a tantalising premise for a film, if people who do watch it knock it for six to demonstrate how poor it is. I can’t believe crap like this gets commissioned to be turned into a film. What the financiers were thinking at the time of handing out the dough I have no idea, but I would demand a refund.
A visual bore, a film void of any real entertainment, acting that wouldn’t look out of place in a film about penhuins that can’t act, and fighting that makes a Chuck Norris film look like Bruce Lee classic by comparison adds to a story that dribbles vomit from the corners of its mouth. An offensive waste of time for anyone.
Verdict: Do not finance school boy martial arts projects. Rubbish